Hyderabad: Twenty first century is the century of marvels. I mean, there’s a lot we can brag about – we have everything on our fingertips. There’s a lot we can get done without budging an inch. Yet, instead of being on the summits of happiness and planting our flags for the world and the wife to gawk at, oftentimes, we are found alone, red-eyed, runny-nosed, on the brink of depression.
There’s a missing link, especially in the lives of married people. Whoever said that marriage isn’t a bed of roses probably had a crystal ball that teleported him or her into the problem-laden world of the 21st century.
Yes, marriages aren’t easy. And the modern times have made things all the more complicated. Women have now taken a bold step out of their kitchens and homes, shed the aprons and donned the suits, their bank balances as fat as their egos.
The men earn too, obviously, but then, that’s no longer only their forte. Wherever they go, they have the fairer sex to compete with. Marriages these days are becoming a game, where partners always want to be one step ahead of the other. It’s no longer love, folks, it’s cut-throat competition. Trivial arguments snowball into full-fledged fights, almost each one of them fizzling off at the point of break-ups.
It’s like going to the brink of death and returning, life always hanging on the edge. Tempers soar and there’s a sense of uncertainty hanging in the air. It’s a shame. It’s scary too. All the money earned, all the luxury piled up can come to no rescue. So, isn’t there no solution?
Will marriages become obsolete thanks to this cancer that’s slowly chewing on its bones? No, it won’t, if we act like matured people. It won’t if we don’t let the beast of ego on the loose. It won’t if we practice sensibility.
Negatives Vaccination: No, you don’t have to go to a clinic to get yourself injected with a drug. This drug is well present within yourself. All you need to do is stop, think and act logically before you start yelling and accusing. If you feel that your conversation with your partner is inching towards a fight, stop talking and take a time-out. It works.
Go to some other room and calm yourself down. Most often, we end up saying the most hurtful things in the heat of the moment. Later, we regret, but by then, the damage has already been done. Hence, it would make sense for you to gain a certain level of calm before you say anything. It’s not about being fake, but it’s about expressing yourself in the right kind of works at the right time.
This way, you will neither pile up negatives, nor will your venting out be lethal. Control, measure and express properly. Also, devote some time to tell each other what are the things that made you feel special. Build a positive bank. It helps.
Space out: As a couple, it’s natural for partners to want to be with each other all the time. But that soon begins to take the hues of becoming a duty. And that is the point where neither of you will enjoy each other’s company. It is important for you to engage in your own circles, indulge in your own hobbies, without having your partner to be tagging along with you all the time.
For example, it’s okay for you to go out shopping with your friends without feeling guilty of having ditched your husband. You are a couple, not conjoined twins. That will make any time you spend together more fruitful and more enjoyable.
Bird’s eye view: More often than not, in a fight, we do two things: attack and defend. Isn’t that natural? Of course it is, but only when you’re playing a game. A marriage isn’t a game; it’s a relationship, which will last all your life if you do it well. Thus, it becomes essential to take a neutral stand. It isn’t easy, for you’ll always believe that what you did was right. Hence, it’s important that you step into a third person’s shoes and look at things from your partner’s perspective.
Suddenly, you’ll realise that you have also been wrong. It’s only when you yourself understand your mistakes will you be convinced enough to not repeat them again. What this also does is give your partner the confidence that you are someone who can take a rational stand, without swaying in emotions. It is from this confidence that trust will stem from. It’s ok to accept your mistakes — your mistakes aren’t what your partner has a problem with; it is your inability to see them and accept them that causes the melt-downs.
Love, respect & understanding: This is perhaps the thread that strings all these pearls of wisdom together. Without these three attributes, none of the points mentioned above will make any sense. If you love your partner, you will be loyal. Respect will help you keep the hurtful language under check and understanding will assist you to do the bird’s eye view better. This is the foundation, folks, any polishing should be based on this only.
Miracles don’t happen on their own: If your marriage is going through a bad patch, please do not wait for an angel to come and swish a magic wand. This isn’t a fairytale. This is life and here, we are the ones who take decisions and make things happen. This ball is in our court and we are the ones who call the shot.
Like someone very close to me summarised it beautifully, marriages are like high risk investments: we need to build a solid balance of love for us to be able to invest more of it. If we keep draining it, someday, we’ll become broke and there’ll be nothing left to invest.
So, be sensible, be sensitive and have the zeal to make good things happen. Good luck!